F a m i l y

I haven’t blogged on a personal blog that wasn’t anonymous in such a long time, I feel like I’ve forgotten who I am without being a bitch and shoving my opinion out there just because nobody knows who it is.

Anyway.

Today, I started a job that I quit six months ago. I quit because at that point in my life, I was being physically, emotionally, and mentally degraded by everything and everyone around me. I started the job that previous April, and struggled to make the acceptable amount of hours that was required of me, and it got even more stressful in the fall when I had to add in mandatory volunteer work, group work, and bitchy ass roommates. My roommates were the bane of the problem, as well as school, and making the hours was nearly impossible as I was stricken with pneumonia, dry sockets, and oncology appointments, as my previous and first post dictated. I was terrified as to what was going to happen in my life, as my hair was constantly falling out, I wanted no social interaction and just wanted to sleep my life away.

Life got better, though, but I thought that “life getting better” meant changing literally every aspect of my life that was making me stressed out, with the regard of school because if I quit school, my parents would literally disown me. So I started out by finding a job that was closer to my school so that it would be an easier commute. This meant quitting the job that I had basically formed a family at and was pretty comfortable at, which was a rarity since I’ve had near 10 jobs. I started a job I’d never thought I’d work at in my life, and I ended up enjoying it, but I sobbed my way out of my other job my last day there as well. I moved, too. Moving was one of the best and worst decisions I’ve ever made. Worst? Mostly because my rent went up, utilities went (kind of) up, and a family of squirrels decided to make our master bedroom home in our new apartment. Best? I don’t have any roommates (besides my boyfriend, but I obviously didn’t have much beef with him in the first place) and my hair doesn’t fall out much anymore.

Moving on.

I left the job for those reasons, even though it felt like family, and only recently started to regret it. My boss at my “new” job was starting to get very wishy-washy about things and things were starting to get a bit iffy in that situation. I got the opportunity to come back to my “home” job for the summer, which was something that they didn’t do ever. They were upset when i left, and it made me feel good that they wanted me back.

I was extremely nervous starting my job though, going back up into that office that all that stuff had happened before. I had worked there a whole nine months, and nine months of my life was dedicated to all the laughter and tears I experienced in there, as well as all the stress that I dealt with and the ten or eleven hours a day that I would put in, come home and sleep in. I had to go into the bathroom to calm myself down, give myself a pep talk that everything would be alright. It would all be okay. What eased my nerves a little bit, was that everyone I saw previously told me that they were so happy to have me back.

I walked up to my supervisor, and she was excited to see me, and everyone seemed to be except for my director. What was holding me back from being extremely happy about this happening? The fact that I knew deep down in my heart that someone didn’t want me there. Even though there were a ton of people that were excited to welcome me back, even people that I hadn’t really talked to previously were doing such. Just knowing that this one person didn’t want me there really hurt my feelings, though, and I don’t know how to get past that feeling in life.

I’m extremely thankful to have my “family” back, however. Even if today has been really rough, I’m more than thankful to be where I can talk to someone, and where I don’t have to (literally) wipe ass for a barely-able-to-live-on wage.

Today, I have to go into a cancer center for my doctors appointment. That’s right, I said cancer center. This is one of the most terrifying things that I’m about to do in my entire life. Why? Because whatever my body is doing right now is really fucking terrifying. I’ve been told the last couple of days all these various diagnoses that are wrong with me. First it was pneumonia. I went into the doctor for chest pain and my lymph nodes are very swollen. I didn’t get a diagnosis from that doctors appointment, but was later told that it was pneumonia, and it can take up to a month to get over it. After this, I had to go back into the doctor’s office (just a regular family physician) and get more tests. They then called me back with blood work results informing me that I had blood in my urine, (which has been a problem my entire adolescence and adulthood—and I’ve seen a nephrologist for it previously) I had rheumatoid arthritis, and lastly gout. The last one devastated me from the inside out, obviously, because what 21 year old wants to hear that they have an arthritis condition? (One of my great aunts also lost her leg to rheumatoid.) The cancer doctor situation came from something completely different. I don’t know why I had to get blood work that time, but I did, and it came back that my white cell counts were out the roof. This would obviously freak any doctor out so over the summer I was in there frequently and my white cell counts didn’t change much. I found out I had an infection in my root canal that failed, and  when asking the doctor about it, he said it should not have that much of an effect on it. So naturally, I got scheduled with an oncologist, which is defined as an oncologist. My mother has been to said oncologist because of iron problems and would talk about how she felt terrible going in there every time for infusions because there were cancer patients getting chemotherapy in there at the same time that she was getting her infusions. So with that being said, I’ll probably update this when I get out of the doctors office, but I’ll probably also be bawling my eyes out due to seeing cancer patients getting chemotherapy. After all this bad news happening in my life, I’m also terrified that something will be wrong. I feel that it’s a natural fear, because I’ve seemingly been one of the unluckiest people lately due to this. So Lord please let something not be wrong, because I couldn’t handle that right now.